Order in the court: Or, spit out the gum when the judge is sentencing you

Many of us have found our way into the judicial system at some point in our lives. All it takes is a speeding ticket to earn a front row seat in the inner sanctum that is the courtroom. One bit of advice if you find yourself at the mercy of the court: First impressions matter to that person in the black robe they refer to as “Your Honor.”

I find myself at the courthouse at least once a week as part of my job. I’ve sat through trials, listened to roll calls from prosecutors and heard the myriad charges read aloud for the world to hear. You can almost see those nervously sitting in the courtroom rehearsing what to say in case their name is called.
If you find your way to a courtroom at some point in your life, show a modicum of respect to the person in the black robe who may be deciding your fate. A courtroom is a solemn place, representing the judicial branch of the government, and a judge, as a representative of the government, demands respect. The judge, and the attorneys, have earned the right to hear and litigate your case. You’re already in the hole from the get-go as it is because you allegedly broke a law. If you needed a job, would you show up for an interview in tattered jeans and baseball cap? Probably not.

Based on personal observations from years of sitting in courtrooms covering cases, I offer a few tips to the uninitiated who have found their way to a courtroom at some point in their life.

• Don’t have a wad of gum in your mouth. If you do, and need to discard it, don’t stick it under the bench (again, I base these on my observations from years of sitting in courtrooms covering cases).

• I know you can buy denim jeans off the rack with holes already in the knees. Don’t grab a pair before heading to the courtroom and talk to the man in the black robe who may be deciding your fate.

• Take the lid off BEFORE you enter the courtroom. If you don’t they will ask you to in a not-so-cordial manner.

• A T-shirt that reads “Warning - I do stupid things” should probably stay in the closet for another day.

• While the new mohawk you just got at Great Clips is all the rage at your college mixer, it might not convey the right message in the courtroom.

• If your last name begins with a “Z,” I somewhat understand the boredom you show in your body language. Laying down on the bench and audibly snoring may just find you a temporary cell to finish that nap.

• While that new “Give Me Back That Filet O’ Fish” ringtone may be the download of the month, turn the sound off your cellphone before the bailiff decides to keep it for himself.

There are more, but I would need more space.
To those who find themselves in a courtroom many times over the years, you know better. To the uninitiated, post this column on your refrigerator before your next court date.

If your last name begins with a “Z,” you’re on your own.