More than two years ago, before the "driver to the head" incident uncorked sordid tales of infidelity, strippers, and girlfriends scattered across PGA Tour stops, I predicted Tiger Woods would never notch another major championship under his belt. His last major victory came at the 2008 U.S. Open at Torrey Pines in a playoff. Beset by injuries, Woods basically beat the worl'ds best on one leg.
Three years later, Eldrick Tont Woods remains winless in Grand Slams. He has lost millions in sponsorships, a model of a wife, custody of two children, his swing coach Butch Harmon, and now his long-time caddy Steve Williams. The transformation from Jack Nicklaus' successor as golf's king of the links to just another tour hack is almost complete.
Here are a few tips I offer to Mr. Woods to complete the metamorphosis.
1. This one is obvious -- Drop the "Tiger" name given to you by your father, Earl. You are no longer playing like a hungry man-eater, but instead like a timid kitten unsure of how to track down prey effectively.
2. Lose the red shirt you wear in the final round on Sundays. Prior to Thursday's round at the WGC Bridgestone Invitational, you hadn't shot a birdie since April. The color red no longer intimidates your fellow golfers.
3. Quit telling the world your swing is fine. This week, you ranked 71st out of 72 golfers in driving accuracy. You're playing Army golf like the rest of us.
4. Quit giving the media the cold shoulder. Anne Rivers, of BrandAsset Consulting, says you are seen as the most arrogant sports brand among consumers, ahead of the New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys and Miami Heat. You haven't won a tournament on any tour since the 2009 Australian Masters. You could lose the 'tude now.
5. Take your name off The Cliffs at High Carolina, a 7,300-yard course near Asheville, NC. Plans called for up to 1,200 homes, a spa and other amenities. since your scandal, fewer than 40 lots have been sold, and only a few homes have been built. Still, developers, blindly believing your name still holds top value, plan to borrow up to $100 million from the residents at the Cliffs, and seven other communities near the Cliffs, to help finish the construction. Spare them the agony.
6. Apologize to Williams, who carried your bag through 13 major championship victories. This is mostly for your benefit, as Steve's new boss, Adam Scott, just won the WGC Bridgestone Invitational. But Steve was in your wedding, and stood by your side during your fall from grace.
7. Sell your yacht. Elin doesn't want the $25 million floating palace any more. I doubt any other PGA pro owns one anyway, and it reeks of pretentiousness.
We once looked to you in awe as you tore up the field in your heyday. No one else will win the Masters by 12 strokes. Ever. You are now 35. Old age is a cruel time for tigers. Because of the diminishing strength it becomes difficult for them to hunt down prey. You have enough money to support your kids (known and otherwise) and still live a lavish lifestyle. My suggestion for you is to go back to your home course in Isleworth, Fla., grab your buddy Mark O'Meara and play a few rounds of high stakes skins.
Your legacy will remain intact.
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